Editor’s Note: an essay and a memoir for these troubling times.
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The need to belong, to be considered part of a group, is hardwired into us humans. Since we are basically all alike, my story will be your story in one way or another. Here’s mine while you think about your own.
When my son was six or seven years old, after school he and a pack of little boys would go to our neighborhood’s childcare home. While the boys waited for their moms to pick them up, they played with a strange menagerie of pets including snakes and gerbils. They also voted whose mom was the best-dressed mom. As I was the one mom who dressed-for-success as an attorney working in San Francisco’s Financial District, I easily won the best dressed contest.
Some six years later at dinner — completely out of the blue — my now teenage son asked me why we weren’t in the “in crowd.” The “in crowd” I asked? Who are they? How do you qualify for the “in crowd?”
My son marched me to the walk-in closet in my bedroom. As he pulled out my various suits and dresses, he emphatically explained in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t in the “in crowd” with these clothes! So in about six years I had been demoted from being best-dressed mom presumably in the “in crowd” to not belonging at all.
I realize this is a silly example, but belonging and not belonging — being excluded — are very serious issues with real life consequences, especially these days in the United States and in countries around the world where people are harshly and cruelly excluded, and many are deported from what’s been their home for decades.
When you look at media pictures of groups of decision makers (more often than not, members of the patriarchy), whether in corporate boardrooms, the Oval Office, or international mediations, belonging to the group matters e.g. Ukraine doesn’t belong to NATO.
The politics and policies of the day are making me think a lot about “belonging.” Have I belonged? Do I belong today?
I became a lawyer just when the legal profession was opening up to women. Unlike Sandra Day O’Connor, the first woman on the U.S. Supreme Court who was only offered legal secretary positions when she graduated from Stanford Law School, women in my law school class and I had far more options.
My mother was a very competent, outspoken high school teacher. She railed against her totally incompetent boss, the principal of her high school. She would have loved Ijeoma Oluo’s book “Mediocre: The Dangerous Legacy of White Male America” which describes how men teachers belong to the group considered for promotion to principal and are often promoted, no matter how incompetent, while legions of competent women teachers are passed over.
When my husband and I moved to South Africa for jobs in its robust resort industry, even though I negotiated all the arrangements, he was designated manager and I was his assistant.
My experiences have taught me I “sorta” belong, but I’m not always the first one with a seat at the table.
But what about the hysteria these days about DEI: Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion? There are various, dubious explanations, but I have one very simple explanation and it’s about belonging: those who belong and have a prominent seat at the “Table of Favors” in the United States of America are American citizens who are white-monied-able-bodied-Christian-straight-males.
The rest of us who can’t check these boxes don’t belong in one way or another. Since belonging is hardwired into us, those of us with unchecked boxes feel the sting of the real life consequences. Profoundly sad, tragic, even un-American, isn’t it?
Copyright © 2025 by Jane Iddings
Wonderful observations! Belonging is a curious word. Being a person who has had many “first time female doing something“ there’s not always been a group that I can belong to. But those of us who strike out on our own, I guess our group is ourselves.😊 We find satisfaction in our uniqueness.
Here’s a comment from a reader sent to my email: “Hello, Jane. I enjoyed your essay on belonging. It’s particularly pertinent now with the chaos our country is going through.”
Love it
I feel that our group of “Jane’s memorists “
have articulate examples confirming exactly what you have relayed to us
I know I do …..
Bravo Jane !
Toni Hanson
Some thoughts: Love your premise that belonging seems to be a basic human need. However, I have known a number of folks who could care less if they were part of a group or not. In fact, they see group membership (groupies) as a weakness. For example; MAGA, sororities, fraternities, KKK, gangs, religion, and other groups have taken over the responsibility of defining one’s own unique value system. These independent people would probably prefer to define themselves without the interference of others. How else could they discover their “true selves”? Certainly not through group memberships. Perhaps it is a spectrum situation where each of us needs to draw the line between being a member of a group(s) and being our own independent person. But it is not always a choice. We are living in an era of massive social isolation since Covid where many people live, work and mostly just stay in their homes. Belonging does not seem to be an option for many.
Living in Red Idaho all my life as a “liberal” has been a reason for me to not be part of the “in group”. If I could afford to move to a better political arena, I would. However, over the past four days, I have been part of 3 anti-Trump rallies at the Capitol building and then outside a Senator Crapo (R) luncheon at a large hotel. Tomorrow we rally at the VA! It’s been uplifting and enlightening to “DO something” with many hundreds of other Idaho citizens. I’m hoping that at least a few are disgruntled voters who realize they were lied to and now share my need to resist. Perhaps the “in crowd” here will eventually change colors!
Thank you
Interesting perspectives on belonging versus exclusion in the sharing here of when your son’s friends gave you the award for “best dressed,” to six years later when his questioning related to being in the “in-crowd”. NOT silly examples, though yes, “cute” and though seemingly simple they point out exclusion versus inclusion. As we currently witness the White Male Domination being proclaimed, regretfully, by those in powerful position, how do we intervene? It has been said that there is “recovery in community” and yes, that is BELONGING! Welcome each of you!
Creating your own “in crowd” is often what we do, those of us on the outside. The sting doesn’t smart as much with companions. What a boring and tired world it would be without innovators and adapters, coming up with new and better solutions.
As always, your words capture the roller coaster of my emotions in these topsy-turvy times, and with a dash of humor. (You are definitely still in the best dress crowd!)